Up & Down Dick

FROM PATTAYA KLANG

Turn left onto the Sukhumvit Road towards Bangkok and then take the first U turn to retrace your steps and then turn left into Soi Siam Country Club.

The Hash Bus arrived and disgorged its rabble of expectant hashers into a mass of cars more abandoned rather than parked among the rubber trees. Missing Link favors exiting the bus as though he is parachute jumping clutching a beer can to this chest and suffers no spillage. His “friends' drag him upright and place a walking stick into his hand again.

Ball Ringer posture s and displays his new pair of extremely bright “pink tights” straight from the boards of Madam Butterfly and with his “mate” Festering Streaker they both compare lunch boxes like a pair of Peacocks. Bell End exclaimed in a very loud voice that she wanted nothing to do with her poofter significant other and remained at an apparently safe distance. (In Pattaya)

Doggy, after a very long time in Phuket is back with the Jungle pack again and there was much hand shaking and “doing” what dogs do best…..

Circle called by the GM and visitors and virgins called in to introduce themselves to the pack. Jazzer is rather besotted by one young virgin who, it appears is trying to strangle herself with very a very tight bra. Jellobutt (sponsor) explains was his sports bra and several sizes too small. She certainly made an impression on the pack and was later fondly named 7/11. Presumably following on from Big C his previous girlfriend who found herself better prospects when he was away working in Iraq recently. Among the visitors Banker Blower & Headless Chuck from LA Union are looking very uneasy about the proceedings. Perhaps they already knew that Lord Lucan had been found knicker sniffing at a Katoy Bar near Walking Street recently and was to be “exposed' in the circle later.

Our hare Up & Down Dick explained the nature of the run and on out up the dirt road was called. Only the hare has stayed behind at the A site to get the BBQ going and it is gratifying to note everyone is taking part.

At the first check which is located just beyond the first water splash Tampax insists it must be a back check and persuades the easily influenced Lord Lucan to add an unnecessary additional half a kilometer to their hash. On On called forward by Karamba over a very hot moonscape to the next check thoughtfully placed under the only tree the landowner has left standing – much looking and debating here and the FRB's spread over a large area until ONON called forward and to the right before circling left and then cutting across more of the moonscape and into a quarry.

This was no ‘ordinary' quarry as that exponent of quarry running Sir Lance would have explained. (Lance absent on this run due to baby sitting duty –and not his children). Here we encountered some very nasty quick sands where the hare had thoughtfully laid his devious trail. In particular My Precious suffered very badly and was extracted minus shoes (recovered later) having sunk almost thigh deep in the quagmire. Hash Hero Dizzy performed the extraction and was later rewarded for his work. Boy friend Hobbit it was noted enquired if photographs had been taken and then resumed trying to keep up with the FRB's – At his age!

Up & Down Dick certainly favors mud and water and the pack was soon washing off the quarry mud while following a stream bed. For our resident dwarf Really Sadistic Bastard this began to get alarmingly deep. We have now learned Sadistic and the other non swimmer G.I.Jo have enrolled in a course of swimming lessons being conducted weekly by Missing Link in the expectation they can keep up with the Jungle pack on future hashes. He intends to beat them with his walking stick until they learn!

Over one hour on trail and the scribe has VV and Sadistic (sticking like Velcro) as companions. Ball Ringer, Bell End and Squeese my Tube appear from the wrong side of a very wet area and slash across the klong to join us. No sign of the FRB's , we are still on paper and encounter unbroken checks . Arseholic, Dizzy, Banker Blower and Barbie Doll catch up and we are front running!!.... Jellobutt, Rodger the Sick Prick, G.I Jo, Grey Hound, Karamba, Split Beaver, Headless Chuck among others are off paper and no where to be seen.

Great fun and all the pack arrive back into the A site after 90 minutes EXCEPT G.I. Jo who was later pertinently located near the Early Leaning Centre by good Samaritans Rodger The Sick Prick and Peniscillin. .

Plenty of Hot Dogs and nice things to eat all washed down with a cold beer and a mixture called “Jungle Juice” kindly supplied and dispensed by Missing Link . Then the circle began and the punishments were inaugurated by the numerous guest RA's.

And we all lived happily (just) until the next Jungle outing on 16 th September where Dizzy that exponent of his “special kind” of Hash torture get his chance as the hare.

ONON Vlad the Imposter