THE FIRE & PESTILENCE RUN

OR – “Let in snow , Let it snow, Let it snow” in Pattaya?

Now where do I start to narrate my run story?

Just to locate the A site was a major triumph because the over zealous hares had festooned HHH signage like Christmas garlands pointing in all directions starting from Highway 7 some 45km from the A site. But I deviate – the A site was moved to a B site at the last moment because of a locked gate which also very effectively trapped one of the hares cars. Welcome to the hares nightmare.

As the ardent hashers begin to arrive at the B site which in passing I will mention was next to Dante's Inferno, and so all the hash chariots are relocated to an adjacent car park….and then it started to snow. Not white fluffy snow, not even yellow snow but nasty black volcanic ash snow. However, it is nearly Christmas and so the hares have entered into festive mode!!!

As the first circle was called by the GM we could feel the heat from the adjacent inferno as it consumed a few more coconut palms and several hashers were seen to cool their blistered skin with bottles of water……. Bush Woman and Sweet Pussy hastily relocate the rags away from the flames not wanting to feed the fire. Sheik Bin Shaggin & Bam Bam's earlier dousing efforts should be called pissing in the wind even if they claimed “We have large bladders”. Perhaps the hose end had an insufficient diameter.

After leaving a few “want to be fire fighters” behind at the B site the ON OUT is called and a very athletic looking pack sauntered off in the swirling smoke towards the hills and the first check. Will the trail go up or down? One of the first law's of checking is keep your altitude and allow the over achievers to check downwards. Lucky this time and the trail is located at the bottom of the hill and the pack starts to follow the FRB Rusty Ring Hole. Checking called some distance ahead of me and the trail again winds its way, on upwards. Arseholeo is seen attending to the needs of his latest conquest and is hot on the pheromone trail…this is not a paper trail!

I'm sure many hashers are entirely unaware of the geographical topography in this part of Thailand and today hash is located in the foot hills of the majestic Sri Racha mountain range. These are steeped in myths, local folklore and stories of bizarre eccentric happenings. Jackal has reached is zenith here and begins to communicate with beings only he can see and hear!

It was at this stage of the hash as we reached the cloud layer your scribe had a blinding vision. Really Sadistic Bastard with his short cutting mates Dizzy, Bam Bam and Sheik Bin were cavorting about like scene from The Sound of Music high on the hill above the trail. I assume they were holding hands purely from a safety point of view?

Beverly Hill's Pink C is going like a racehorse but seems to be dragging part of his anatomy in the dust. Perhaps that's where the saying originated from?

G.I. Joe , never to be seen again after the third check – but we could still hear him! Jellobutt is very relaxed today because his tormentor Sheik Me Me is away on leave. However, he still not cured a nervous affliction of arriving at checks and standing there trying to dig things out of his nose rather than getting on with finding the trail.

In the middle of the pack the stalwart hashers such as Hobbit, Rumpled Foreskin, Split Beaver, Beverly Hills , Rear Gunner Ball Ringer and Jackal are indubitably pounding out the miles. Mr. Foreskin seen to mistakenly check downwards at one point and never to be seen again on the run (the hares should have issued crampons and ice axes at this check!)

Hash Crash Beverly Hills fell (with full pike) into a large cavern while traversing one slope and was suitably rewarded for his efforts in the second circle together The Hamersley Wanker's Shirt.

And so after one hour plus, all good things have to come to an end and we returned to Dante's Inferno B site to find the fire had consumed every flammable item on the other side of the road and blistered the paint work on the Hash Bus.

However, our ice cold beer remained intact thanks to the fire fighting efforts of the hares.

Even better followed when the hares fully redeemed themselves and gave the pack smoked salmon and scrambled egg entrée. And of course the bread had been toasted on the inferno!

Has our usual French cook V.V. been out maneuvered gastronomically by Scandinavian flair?

In all sincerity a big thank you to our “kings for a day” F---king Dog, Cheap Norgy & Timmy Tight Pants for a very good hash run and magnificent food….and then the second circle was called where numerous RA's entertained the hashers. From memory ten individuals took the circle, However, to find out what occurred in the circles you will have to attend our next Jungle Hash on the 4 th Jan 2009!!

ONON Lord Lucan