Pattaya Jungle Hash No. 139 (Aussie Day Special) Report

By Rumpled Foreskin

This was a special day to celebrate Aussie Day. which falls on 26 th January. By a strange set of coincidences it has fallen on 26 th January nearly as far back as 1788, when Captain Arthur Phillip took formal possession of the Colony of New South Wales. Never mind we were a few hours early, what a cracking afternoon and evening! But thinking about time differences it was Aussie Day in Australia from 2100hrs onwards here, so the hares were correct.

On arrival at the meet we were greeted by an array of Oz flags – small and large – a brilliant and tasteful reception in a brilliant “A” and down-down site, flat and nicely set back from the road. The BBQ was already on the go, with a few prawns getting the treatment in readiness for the forthcoming feast. Freebie bottle coolers were handed out (thanks).

After everybody had coughed up their subs, the very large pre-run circle was called to order, and after a new shoes victim had been dealt with in the traditional manner the hares handed out their instructions: white paper (for a change), a green stick representing a back-check, red cross for a check. We were warned about “the snake” in the way of the run, marked by multiple-coloured shredded paper, and advised not to worry if black faces appeared out of the bushes with guns pointing our way – simply an army exercise. And with one last mention from Jazzer that the run would be no more than an hour long we were on our way.

The run was a relatively relaxed assortment of brilliant tracks, by-ways, bush paths and jungle. It was well marked and frankly a pleasure to navigate. There were a few mini-jumps, all quite gentlemanly really. The runners could make what they wanted of the course – hard for the FRBs or relaxed for those less frisky. The checks were of a reasonable toughness, all very appropriate for today's venture. Still, it had its surprises – there were several wonderful 5.0/5.0 hash crashes due mainly to roots and grass loop trip hazards.

The snake was spotted not too far from the end, by this time it had moved from across the trail into a bush refuge. Some mentioned that it was probably a battery driven model, but if so the battery must have been flat as it appeared to be immobile. There were no reports of guns (pun not intended).

This was a super run.

WELL DONE HARES!!!! Jazzer and Odd Job

So, how do you follow a super hash run? With a brilliant BBQ of course. And wasn't it just great? All thanks go to the cooks Nisarat and his bottle washer Up & Down Dick for looking after all of that side of things. What great grub, those sausages just melted in the mouth and the home made burgers were simply delicious. BBQ'd prawns with salad, bread and a few extras, completed the meal. A nice touch was the “wait wain” (try it aloud and in English).

So when all the grub had been demolished we got to the circle. At least, some of us did – there is always at least one straggler, 2 this time and they were served rightful summary justice on the ice for keeping the rest of us waiting

Hares were brought on-in, and the consensus was that the run was great and the hares did a brilliant job, although how Jazzer managed to lay a run with feet like his we are waiting to hear.

After the formality of congratulating the hares the circle went downhill from a fairly orderly state into a drunken brawl, as usual. Activities included the annual “Body of the year” competition judged by some of the fairer sex (maybe that should be darker sex, and further qualified by an average height 4'6”). The winner this year was Frozen Bollocks but the reason for this success was not immediately obvious.

For some reason Leo beer drinkers were singled out for a down-down. Then it was disclosed Lord Lucan had produced an rather splendid Hash Award for Jazzer some years ago- “The Leo Award for drinking that filthy muck”…it was then disclosed LL is not adverse to getting outside a bottle of Leo or four in a local Ban Chang hostelry from time to time. If the Ice bucket fits….

Tom the Pom was identified as this week's slow – no, really slow – learner, as he kept bringing his beer into the circle against all decent hash tradition. However, he got his own back later when he terrorised some hash members by threatening to keep them on the ice until they came up with a REALLY GOOD turn of some kind. By then everybody was almost senseless and couldn't hear – even if they had wanted to – over the back chat, so fortunately that idea was fairly soon abandoned.

Jellobutt was given a few new toys to play with (instead of playing with himself as usual), in the form of the referee shirt, whistle and the yellow and red cards. All these were to be used to identify miscreants inciting unrest and disturbance in the circle, such criminals being dispatched to the Sin Bin, ice or bucket at the ref's whim. It has to be said that the Maltese proved themselves to be masters at yakking, nearly up to female standards, and deservedly got placed on the ice on many occasions ( how do you make a Maltese cross? – stamp on his foot ; dear dear, the oldies are the goodies, eh?). Anyway, at one point Jellobutt's victims took up so much of the ice that Really Sadistic Bastard's act was nearly closed down. What a pity, eh?

Poetic justice or what, for no apparent reason Jellobutt ended up in the bucket with the DOUBLE TOOBS (English translation = double tubes). The Poofter Stools brought in a few unsuspecting victims, the process being speeded up by a certain person who shall certainly not be named, but HER hash id initials are SMT , mixing up the stools in the dark while the unsuspecting occupants were temporarily elsewhere.

A raft of other crimes included – would you believe it, Ball Ringer yet again – not wearing 75-run hats in the circle, but there was a nice moment when Sweet Pussy was presented with her own 75 runs cap – WELL DONE!!!!

Hobbit investigated Oz crania (‘ eads ) using his magic ex-cassava field divining sticks and couldn't aVOID finding them bereft of any useful content. They say revenge is sweet, this was amply demonstrated shortly afterwards by Bam Bam .

Spag Head 's prepared pre-departure speech (ready for Monday) was heart-wrenching. Some hashers actually suffered projectile vomiting as a result, but most weren't even listening so they got away without malaise.

While the snake didn't bother us, some poor soul got STUNG (GM, please note, not BITTEN) by a scorpion, presumably while urinating in the darkness outside the circle. Ponder a moment and picture a Lumpy One or a hasher with no balls. If you were a scorpion or similar minding your own business scuttling around the carpet of leaves looking for grub or a suitable Mrs Scorpion and somebody came out of the dark and gave you a wet head through careless micturition, you might just take offence, n'est-ce pas? We have to respect these guys; they were here before us by a few million years so they should have some rights. Anyway they are generally pretty good at what they do for a living (until faced by a 5-iron).

To round off a superb circle the Ozzies and a few others gave a rendering of the (reportedly) Australian National Anthem, at which point the beer was virtually totalled and there was little sense hanging on any longer, so everybody edged off towards the transport and home or other venue for some more.

… And finally:

Thanks to the Aussies and all those helping to make this a splendid afternoon and evening. ONON Rumpled F/S