Run report for Pattaya Jungle Hash Run #157 20th Sept 2009

Location , Off Soi Wat Huay Yai

RUN REPORT BY BIG NOSE BASTARD

HARES HOBBIT & MY PRECIOUS

“Ran Bangkok Hash last Saturday as usual”  was still ringing in my right ear when we arrived at the A site,  there   were   three of us, we all knew where the A site would be,   it would be the same place that   Hobbit always uses …. Wrong this was to be something entirely different.

The large   circular area perfectly accommodated the shopping stalls, Pick ups and Eski's.

Talk was much about the previous days run and the heat.   The bus arrives and the entire population of Malacca   descends   the steps apart from one, for some reason the former driver of   Deputy   Prime Minister   Anwar has not been able to make it today. Sheik Meme is also   missing,   coincidence?

My Precious (the taller of the two hares) announces that this run will be "nothing special", there   bye   establishing that the English are not the only nationality with an understanding of irony.

Barely a few hundred  metres into the run, we are entertained by a troupe of Turkmenistani midget acrobats, thoughtfully provided by Rumpleforeskin, the Master of the Clowns.  Unfortunately, a lot of people miss this talented display, as the surrounding tapioca is a good few inches higher than the tallest performer (and Hobbit).

One of those who fails to observe this spectacle is Miserable Person a man who gives added meaning to the phrase "wide boy".  He has already headed home, and is glimpsed across a field selling sago pudding to a tapioca farmer.

As we emerge from the woods, the German machine guns open up with a hail of bullets which GI Joe and Rear Gunner catch between their teeth.  Drippy, mistaking the enemy infantry for a pack of schnauzers, wreaks havoc among them with a baseball bat amid cries of "die, you dogs", before rescuing Tampax from the no-man's land he has inhabited for the last few weeks, digging a tunnel to safety, donning a false moustache and being spirited away by V.V, hero of the Belgian resistance (the French one having already hoisted the white flag).

Shortly afterwards the majority of the pack  ( all together at this point ) have to avoid the track of   a   herd  of   Wildebeest   as they trample their way through the field of sun flowers we are running through, fortunately shit through a duck is able to out run them.

It's when I follow Lord Lucan into the palm plantation that the UFO appears, shimmering in the haze and surrounded by film extras.  Silently it descends, releasing Sheik Meme on an unsuspecting world.

The clamber down the waterfall is worth the effort. We emerge into a vast rockpool where tanned Khmer beauties are drying fish in the sun and Ringworm is being handfed great chunks of crab and lobster plucked from their shells by the deft fingers of three of these dusky maidens - voluptuous wenches handpicked by the Hobbit from the exotic watering holes of downtown Rayong.  All washed down with an award-wining Montrachet selected from Arseaholic's increasingly dusty cellars.

A great decision Hares to blow the Malaysian visitors fees on wine, women and song. Sod all this anally retentive hoarding of funds.

"Nothing special"?   Not half!