There were 4 visitors: A Hasher from Sydney by the name of Piss Poorer, a Thai lady from Ubon, apparently Katoy Anal Masturbator's girlfriend, named Au Authai, a guy from Surrey named T Total and a German who runs in Angeles, Tinkerbell. No Hash virgins. No new shoes.
There were 3 hares, not 2, as had been announced. Running Dick had joined the team. We were to learn later, why. Bam Bam gave us our briefing: white paper, red checks, one blue check for the walkers to find the walkers' trail, back checks, and FTs of course.
The run started. A dirt road in easterly direction, through an area with high grass. The first check. "X" (you will learn later, which Hasher this is) told us, is was almost certainly an FT. Few believed him, but he was right. So: back to the check.The trail turned southwards, crossed a strech of bushland with a dry brook in it, then continued though tapioca.The second check! "X", who is well known for notorious check loitering, was encouraged to assist in the checking, but he stated that checking was already going on in all directions and that endeavours from his side were not required.
The run continued northwards, through grassland; and soon, in the middle of a freshly ploughed field, we had a lost paper problem. It seemed to be solved, when we heared an On call from the east, where apparently some paper had been spotted. But this led us immediately into another lost paper situation. After a while, a back check was found, but we had clearly approached it from the wrong direction! As it seemed, we had missed out on a loop. Never mind, the right trail was found soon: We ran northeastwards, crossed another stretch of bushland with another brook (this time one with a little water in it), and found ourselves close to a tarmac road.
The trail, however, ignored the tarmac: We ran westwards, only to discover it was a long FT. Back again! The actual trail was a northbound dirt road through tapioca and pineapple. And then came a hill! Not a high one, but nevertheless a hill. We climbed it, but the trail did not follow the hill crest, as we had expected. Instead, we had to run down again into the "lowlands". Our climbing had been in vain.
The trail continued through another freshly ploughed field and through tapioca. It turned to the west, and it became clear that the run was most probably anti-clockwise. We would soon see southerly directions. But: No illusions, please! Not so soon! For the time being, we were running westwards. We crossed a large plantation. (Mango? No time for looking. The hash is not about botanics.) We saw another lake, crossed another (broader, water-filled) brook, almost a small river, then continued in the same direction, through another plantation. (This time it was mango.) And then we saw the point the hares had briefed us on: A blue check next to a red one indicated the beginning of the walkers' trail. And: It was a scenic point. And: We could see the A-site! A kilometer or two away, in the southwest.
The main pack, of course, followed the ordinary paper, the runners' trail, westwards. We ran along more dirt roads, through land with shrubs and high grass, then again through tapioca. We ran through another plantation, more tapioca, more bushland. And then came the big, big surprise. And the big, big problem: The papered trail ended abruptly. No check. No FT sign. If there was a small front group ahead of us, it had disappeared without calling. (A very frequent sin! Is it so difficult to call On On?) We searched desperately in all directions. After 10 minutes or 15, we had to give up. We followed a westbound dirt road, saw a few houses. A Thai man gesticulated wildly, apparently trying to tell us that he had seen some falangs running in the direction he indicated: south. We ran there and found nothing and nobody. We heard something, which could be an On On, but were not sure. Nothing for another minute. Thanks God, we knew where roughly the A-site was located. We were not really lost.
Then came the miracle: Somebody at quite a distance called On On! And this was the breakthrough: A number of further dirt roads, mostly southbound, took us through more tapioca and pineapple sceneries, then we saw two On In signs, 500 m apart, and then came the Oz flag-decorated A-site.
A long run, over an hour and a half. Many hashers were already there, when the main pack arrived. Probably mostly walkers, some dodgers, some picknickers. Plus a small, smart front group? Which had failed to call On On? No energy for investigations. We were there. Period.
What followed was the usual chill-out period. Some rare few used the opportunity of having a quick swim in the lake, right next to the A-site. Everybody used the opportunity of enjoying Hash Chef V.V.'s famous Thai-Belgian cuisine.
The circle started. Hobbit in his position as GM put the hares on the ice, so they could get their feedback. It was generally agreed that is was a good run in interesting terrain, with good checks and falsies, just insufficiently papered in places, especially in its final phase. We learned that hare Bam Bam had been obliged to go up-country on Friday to attend an in-law funeral, that the papering had had to be done by Arseholeo, who had seen the trail only once, and by rapidly-employed replacement-hare Running Dick, who did not know the trail at all. Taking this into account, they had done a reasonably good job. By the way: Bam Bam's problems were also the reason for the cancellation of the Australian Bar-B-Q envisaged.
Hobbit then iced the scribe, Arseholeo and "X". "X" was the only Hasher named in Arseholeo's report a week earlier. The GM criticized this report - one paragraph - as much too short and warned the scribe that a long report was expected of him. The scribe promised a very long one, secretly thinking that he would not have enough time to write a short one anyway. It takes less time to write a long report, because you save the time for summarizing.
The GM gave the scribe stict orders not to mention "X" in the upcoming report, except by the alias of "X". He then iced Mad Cow and his girlfriend Cow Phat Moo: She had been sportive enough to run, while he had stayed at the A-site. Hobbit continued by icing Katoy Anal Masturbator, Beverly Hills Pink Cock, Pussy Snatcher and Piss Poorer, and called them the Tiger Boy Team. He then praised Shooting Star for completing her 75th run.
The next RA was Berverly Hills Pink Cock. He iced the scribe for being a live scribe, making notes during the run. Disturbing! He re-iced the 3 hares, and then Linguini Weeny together with Strawberry Flavoured Condom. The reason: During the run, just before the second brook, SFC had spotted paper in dense undergrowth and was running to it, when Linguini Weeny shouted: "Can I follow you?" He was very keen to follow her into the undergrowth! Typical for these French!
BHPC also iced Tinkerbell, but this bastard sat on the ice with his shorts on. The crowd screamed "skin", but he insisted in sitting there like a girl. As a well-deserved sanction, he was placed in the bucket. After him, the next one in the bucket was Robbing Bastard, with Split Beaver and Dizzy on the ice, for wearing gay shorts.
Hobbit took the circle back and iced BHPC, for signing up late. Furthermore, the GM had read a sexological article in a British medical journal, by an author called Beverly Hills Pink Cock. Could it be, BHPC was a sexologist, not an economist? BHPC failed to come out with the truth, it remained unclear whether he was the author of this report. We only know that the article was about a study on over 2000 European women, and its final result was that the G-point was a myth. Well, to most people this has been clear and undisputed for 35 years! Why a new study? Maybe it was because the British tax payer had too much money.
BHPC remained a target: Dizzy took over and iced him for paying his running fee as late as after the run, just before the circle. He iced Running Dick and Bam Bam. Plus GI Joe, for laying such a long monkey trail. He put KAM in the bucket and Au Authai on the ice, plus Strawberry Flavoured Condom. He iced Cabbage Knievel and Robbing Bastard for wearing their shirts wrongly: the front side backwards. He iced Cabbage Flaps for not taking care of Cabbage Knievel. If she had taken care of him, this would not have happened.
He then iced Ballringer and Shooting Star for returning from the run with 15 kg each of food collected. He iced 5 other Thai ladies for receiving these stolen goods. He iced Arseholeo and especially Tequila Tits, who had said "like my pussy" about a water melon cut nicely into small pieces.
Really Sadistic Bastard took the circle. He iced Hobbit, Sheik Bin Shaggin, "X" and Ballringer. It was about extreme sports. RSB's explanations were also extreme: very comprehensive. But wholely and completely in Scottish. No translation into English was available, not even a short abstract. Anyhow, it was about extreme sports.
Hobbit took the circle back again and iced Arseholeo and Tequila Tits. She, too, had helped (mis-)papering the run, when Bam Bam was not available. The GM then talked about the 2008 run in Sukhotai, the heavy rainfall then as opposed to the bright full moon which was shining above our A-site. He put Mad Cow in the bucket in this context and had Bam Bam sing the hare song he had sung in Sukhotai. Bam Bam did so, and it was a good song; however, the scribe feels that Bam Bam's hare song 6 days earlier on the Monday Hash was even better. He could publish a collection of his songs, couldn't he?
Spaghetti Head was the next RA and put all the hares on the ice again, and Running Dick's girlfriend in the bucket, because her name is "Bucket Arse". Then he iced all the French and Belgians. Hobbit took over again and iced all the Australians.
Then came "X": He embarked on his frequent role as Tubemaster. He ordered the blue tube to be given to Pussy Snatcher, who humbly accepted it, and to Tinkerbell, who refused to take part in this. How can anyone come to the Hash and then refuse to take part in the circle activities? If you don't like it, stay away! "Selective participation" is raisin picking!
The Angeles boy's replacement for the tube trick was Linguini Weeny. He had passed on the famous Hamersley Wanker Shirt to his neighbour, Horse. So, Horse was also put on the ice and given a tube. Arseholeo, too, received a tube: to show the others how to do it in a professional manner. He succeeded. Horse tried twice, because his first attempt was a failure.
Hobbit took over again and called all the "young people" on the ice. 6 persons considered themselves young, one was put in the bucket, the others on the ice. The GM praised the youngsters, stating that young people and only young people can drink a lot and still have sex. But there was some disagreement on this in the circle.
The last ones on the ice were GI Joe and Squeeze My Tube. Bam Bam told a story about SMT, that she had horned Joe 3 times: with a doctor, when Joe could not get back surgery, with a bank director, when Joe could not get a loan, and with a golf club manager, when Joe could not become a club member.
The 2 hour circle ended. The rest was the bus trip back to Pattaya, with the usual dodgers stepping off early, with the usual all-nighters heading for the Thistle Bar, and the usual rare few from continental Europe staying on the bus all the way to the inofficial stop at Carrefour. Johnny Tralala and his wife were flexible again, as they have been all these years.
A good hashing afternoon and evening! We are now looking forward to the next Oz run, which should be the ANZAC Day run in April. Maybe even with a Bar-B-Q.....
On On
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