It's the first Sunday in December, so it's a Pattaya Jungle hashing day. My alarm goes off in room 205 at the Ice Inn (the most expensive room in the whole Hotel). I awake and my entire body is in pain. Not just my back, as per usual, but nearly every muscle, bone and joint in my body - thanks to yesterday's Pattaya Bush marathon hared
by that appropriately named Hammersley Wanker, Arseholeo. So I get up put some Counterpain over most of my body, have a drink of water and re-set the alarm for an hour later. When the alarm goes off the second time, I feel only slightly better. Then I remember this is the American Thanksgiving day run and the two hares are those American geriatrics G.I. Joe and Spaghetti Head. When I type their two names, the number 150 immediately pops into my head. Why is that, you ask? Well firstly before becoming a High School Principal, I was a High School mathematics teacher, so I often associate people and things with numbers. Secondly, the combined age of these two hares is just slightly more than 150. And their combined I.Q. is substantially less!!!
But for the rest of us older people getting on in years, don't these two just represent all the best things about people in the advanced stages of Alzheimer's Disease? Aren't they just the happiest, smilingest, most jovial people you know? Every day they make new friends, they go new places, taste new foods, new drinks. Everything is new every day of their lives. They wake up in a new and different bedroom ever day. And best of all, every morning there's a new young Asian girl sleeping next to them!!! According to Mrs. Head and Squeeze My Tube, here's the conversation they have most mornings. From the mouths of Joe and Spag: Hello honey, what's your name?
Where do you come from? Did I make you cum last night? And after a few more similar questions, the inevitable question that all of us males have had to ask at least once in our lives: How much did I agree to pay you last night? And of course these two enterprising young Asian girls are both building new houses in their respective villages. Queen Stella has already completed building her house up in Nakhon Nowhere. Yao Yao always lectured to her about the fertile lands near the river valleys. So unfortunately, she built her new house right next to the Nakhon Nowhere River. She's been upcountry the past couple/few months trying to save her new house from floating down into the Gulf of Siam.
Here's a short conversation that probably took place between G.I.Joe and Spaghetti Head a few weeks ago:
Spag: You know Joe I've just moved into a new house in the country. It's got a big back yard with a picnic table. We've never had a hash run from my house, so I think we should try one. What do you think?
Joe: I've never been to your house, but I'll trust your judgement. We could call it the Thanksgiving Day run.
Spag: Thanksgiving? I remember that Christmas always comes on the 25th of December, but I think Thanksgiving is one of those 'floating' holidays. It falls on different days every year. Do you know when it is this year?
Joe: Yeah, I think it's the first Sunday in December.
Spag: I think you're right, just like Easter. So our run will be the Thanksgiving day run on 4th of December.
Joe: On a Sunday of course.
So anyway, that's how we got the Thanksgiving Day run from these two Americans on the first Sunday in December. After having brunch at the Dianna Inn, I feel slightly better. I head to the internet cafe. Realising I'm the scribe today, I go next to the Thistle Bar to pick up an old Jungle hash sheet. Nobody's there and there aren't any hash
sheets. Try A Fuck and Robbing Bastard arrive and both tell me we (the Jungle) don't print any hash sheets anymore). Sheik Bin Shaggin arrives. I announce I need to buy some ice cream to cool down before the run.
At exactly 3pm. Johnny arrives in his brand new, canary yellow, air-conditioned hash bus. He must have won the Thai lottery. The bus is full and we head out to Spag's estate. Rumpled Foreskin calls the circle together, then the hares inform us about the run. Spag points us toward the mountain but we actually go around the mountain, not
over it as Arseholeo would have had us do. The highlight for many of the Jungle hashers was running out of Spag's gate and past Johnny Tra La La's brand new, shiny canary yellow, air-conditioned bus!!! We circle the mountain in some very nice running territory. I accidentally wind up running in amongst some lovely Thai girls: MyPrecious and three of her friends in front of me and Mrs. Head behind me. I have a nice conversation with Mrs. Head about the Bush run yesterday.
After the run, some great food. Spaghetti Head had found some mini-turkeys (with very short legs) for Thanksgiving to go with the mini-mountain we had just circled. Everything was delicious.
At precisely 6:30pm. Rumpled Foreskin calls the circle. Karumba (of course) is immediately iced. The female Kiwi visitor is called in and named. She doesn't show any skin and she is definitely not a beer drinker!!! The very worst thing happened. Spag moved from the bucket to the ice and showed everyone his very wrinkled ass. Someone
suggested that Mrs. Head needed to use her iron on it before he shows it to us again!!! Try A Fuck was presented with the whistle and Jello Butt the horn. Jello Butt might as well just keep the horn. I forgot to mention that all the checks I got to were very nicely broken. I noticed that Smelly Bastard is very good at doing this, so I assumed
that he did it again today. Good on you!!! He was presented with his 25 run patch, then Misuse Me with her 50 and finally Hobbit with his 125 run cap. Congratulations to all of you!!! Apparently Jello Butt's name was incorrectly down to hare this run. He didn't, so he was given 30 seconds to make his mind up about which date he wanted to hare a run. The consensus was he didn't have one (a mind), so he was given more time to think. Really Sadistic Bastard proved to everyone that hashing is dangerous activity. Apparently he fell out of the bus while trying to tie his shoe lace. The two guys with Philippina girlfriends, Horse and ArseHopper, were accused of "bringing coals to Newcastle" by Bam Bam. I wrote in my notes that Karumba is thinking but I don't know what that means. Maybe someone can tell me.
All the Americans, including me, were iced for something. That's about all I remember from the circle and my note-taking had become unreadable. I had helped Pissed Pole Dancer all night with her monthly supply of San Mig Light. So blame this on the beer and PPD. Actually I do remember that Horse spent most of the rest of the night in the bucket - and I'm sure deservedly so!!! Apparently at Joe's favorite bar, some 7/11, Jello Butt bought beers for everyone. And with this, G.I. Joe became the Hammersley Wanker for messing with what was left of Jello Butt's mind.
The circle ended at precisely ??? Seriously (I'm nearly finished, so it's time to get serious), This was another very good day out on the Pattaya Jungle. I need to finish by thanking some people. GM Rumpled Foreskin, the hares G.I. Joe and Spaghetti Head for laying a good 'recovery' run, everyone who helped with the food especially the mini-turkeys, and all the R.A.'s for being so entertaining.
Seriously (again) to G.I. Joe and Spaghetti Head: You don't remember, but we've actually run from Spag's estate several times. Every run had been most enjoyable. In fact, I'm already looking forward to your next Jungle run, how about a fourth of July run, on the third Sunday in June?
The only complaint about the whole day was the run might have been a little short. It took me about 40-45 minutes, so the FRB's might have been in in under half an hour. Other than that, it was another very good and entertaining Jungle day. For those of you who want an equally entertaining day with a slightly longer run and a walk for the walkers, see you on Sunday 18th December for the Lord Lucan/E.T. Rumble in the Jungle.
On - on to the 18th December
E.T.
This weeks Scribe
Extra Testicle
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